Anderson's original piece (also as Darnelle) was an exercise in bigotry. For example, she had a major problem with the children being present at the husband's wedding. A dominant theme of her polemic was that the husband's lifestyle was going to corrupt their kids. Gays and gay marriage, she claimed, ruined her life and she still hasn't moved on. This time the victimization has a new title: “I Know the Pain of Being Left by a Gay Husband: An Open Letter to Lauren Pearson.”
Lauren Pearson is, or was, married to a Christian rock star named Trey Pearson. Trey came out in May. The subtitle of Darnelle's piece is “Amid public congratulations for 'being true to himself,' a husband’s coming out leaves his wife and children in deep pain.” Don't get me wrong. I feel for both of these women. My problem with Anderson is the attendant homophobia at the blog of an organization responsible for institutional homophobia (Witherspoon Institute was the primary funder of the Regnerus study).
A powerful and strange thing happens when your husband comes out to you: in a profound way, the intimacy between you two exponentially increases. The man that you have loved and committed your life to, who—unbeknownst to you—has kept a part of himself from you, now reveals his innermost secret. That is precisely what is supposed to happen in our marriages. We are meant to let down all the façades, unlock the hidden doors, and give our whole broken selves to our spouses.That was a slow motion replay of how someone sets themselves up for self-victimization. Returning to normal speed:
If your experience was anything like mine, I imagine that this beautiful intimacy was sparked at the same moment that your husband has torn you apart by telling you that he is not able to love you the way that you should be loved. Lauren, he has no right to decide what love you need or don’t need or what man is right or not right for you. You chose him. You committed to love him and navigate life together with him. The decision was made before God, family, and friends on your wedding day. Let’s also remember that he chose you and committed his life to you. He didn’t have a gun to his head. He loved you.I am going to guess that Lauren Pearson is having a different reaction. I cannot know what happened to Anderson's husband. I can only speculate. Indulging in that speculation, Anderson and her now ex-husband are conservative Catholics. He believed all of the bullshit that the Church shoved his way. He was “disordered” but “same-sex attraction” is just a sinful behavior that he need not engage in. He married, not only to assert heterosexuality, but as a form of reorientation therapy. If he prayed enough, married and resisted the temptations he would not be gay. Voila.
It is apparent that Ms. Anderson still cannot come to terms with the realities. She married a gay man and sexual orientation is at the very core of who we are. They were living a lie that she wants to perpetuate because of her religion. Life is way too short to be a slave to superstition. Anderson's narrative gets worse:
Yes, he was holding a secret about himself from you on that wedding day, but that secret is not the sum total of the man you married or the man he is today. If he believes that it is, then he is embracing a lie about himself. All of us are so much more than our sexual attractions and desires. Since my husband left, I have not had a sexual relationship with another man, but I am no less heterosexual than the day I was married. The fact that we deny some desires doesn’t mean that we are not free to be who God created us to be. In fact, I would say that it is just the opposite: it is denying my wants that allows me to accept and embrace so much more of what God has created me for. My life is full of love, even though that area is not fulfilled. Is it a loss? Yes. Does it negate my ability to be authentically me? No. Similarly, your husband’s life can be full and beautiful, even if he chooses not to act on his same-sex attraction. There is another way available to him and you.She doesn't get it. Safe to say that she will never get it. She is repeating the same dogma that created this problem in the first place. I bet you know what's coming next:
…Christ would never set out to destroy what he has joined together. The destruction of a marriage and family is not of Christ—it is in direct opposition to God’s design for humanity.Do you prefer that Kool-Aid in cherry or lemon-lime flavor?
First, you must believe and remind yourself as often as necessary that you had nothing to do with your husband’s decision to embrace same-sex relationships.OK, that makes sense.
Second, continue to value masculinity. You may be tempted to withdraw, build walls up around your heart, and become incapable of trusting another man. Resist. Masculinity has been under fire for so long in our culture. We have emasculated men to the point that sometimes it is difficult to see the difference between the feminine and the masculine. You, I, and all women need men to be who God created them to be. The first few chapters of Genesis give us such a rich picture of male and female and of marriage. I would encourage you to go read the first three chapters of Genesis and reflect on God’s beautiful plan for us.I suspect, but do not know for sure, that she is confused about gender and sexual orientation.
Third, if you haven’t already, make an appointment to see your OB/GYN immediately. My best friend urged me to do this. In my state of complete shock, I couldn’t even fathom that I would need to have such a visit, but I am so glad that I listened to my friend. I had contracted two different STDs from my husband. …Looks like hubby had some bad judgment. While some excuses are available I won't offer them. Ultimately, he is responsible.
Fourth, fight for your children. Your life going forward will be governed by the family courts. You will be told when you can see your children and when they are forced from you. They will become pieces of property to be shuffled between two households, all against their wills. Your husband, the one who caused your family to be torn apart, will be treated as an equal or perhaps even elevated in status over you in the courts. …That skips a step. You only have to fight if the two participants are unwilling or unable to come to a reasonable understanding. Kids only become pawns in the game when the grownups behave like angry children. Part of this is just another attempt to say “I am innocent in all of this.” She wants to blame him and, in doing so, feel elevated legally. It doesn't work that way. She seems to have put the kids in play. She orchestrated an acrimonious divorce. Apparently (from the narrative in the original piece) the judge thought that she is crazy which is why the husband got primary custody of the kids.
My advice would be to do anything possible to facilitate an amicable divorce. Forget blame. It is irrelevant to the best interests of children.
Fifth, I am sure you have already encountered the notion that you must embrace your husband’s coming out—that it is the loving thing to do. You probably have also received a welcoming embrace from the LGBTQ community. Let me warn you: most members of the LGBTQ community will only sympathize with you as long as you champion and embrace your husband’s gay identity. But your pain is real. No one gets to dictate how you are allowed to feel that pain. …That's right. Stay angry and homophobic. It is good for the kiddies. This woman needs deprogramming. She is getting her advice, I suspect, from one of the eunuchs who has no experience whatsoever. She needs a good shrink and that advice is coming from someone who is regularly in therapy. We must not forget that this woman is abnormal.
The remaining two paragraphs are self-righteous platitudes with an interesting note at the end:
Janna Darnelle is a mother, writer, and an advocate for upholding marriage between one man and one woman. She mentors others whose families have been impacted by homosexuality.“Let's see who else we can fuck up with this insanity!”
1 Investigative reporter Scott Rose identified this person. She resides in Washington State.