- Lloyd suggests that her sexual orientation is the result of a sexually abusive uncle.
- Lloyd sees homosexuality as “same sex attraction” which is something to proudly conquer or overcome. Through prayer, of course.
- Lloyd compares her sexual orientation to her brother's birth defect that has manifested itself throughout his life and led him to become an alcoholic. Apparently he suffers from muscular dystrophy.
[The idyllic life] continued until one summer when I went for an extended stay with relatives, including a sexually predatory uncle. Never to be the same, I returned home and withdrew into my room. I did not laugh with my brother any more, and my strong propensity toward depression began to manifest itself. I was ten.There is a subtle connection between the sexual abuse and Lloyd's homosexuality or bisexuality. Presumably, her brother was receiving medical attention for whatever it is that was causing him physical pain. Where the fuck were the parents? Did they not notice that something was wrong? Did they not realize that their teens were in trouble? One was even an alcoholic. What dynamic made it impossible for her to discuss either the abuse or her sexual orientation with her parents?
… I was isolated, depressed, and infected with shame over the sexual abuse that I still kept secret. At age twelve, I began to experience same-sex attraction, which greatly added to my confusion. By the time we were fifteen and sixteen, I was clinically depressed, wearing a tuxedo to the school dance, and contemplating suicide. My brother was getting drunk during lunch hour just to get through the days. Blind to each other’s pain because we were absorbed in our own, he and I led parallel lives of dysfunction.
I have another question. How did the uncle know that she would not tell her parents? I do not want to accuse anyone of anything but it seems that a disproportionate number of gay people who are conservative Christians claim to have been abused as children. It causes me to wonder if it is not a device used for “it's not my fault that I'm gay.”
The takeaway here is that kids need to know sure positive that they can discuss their sexuality with their parents and that they will not be judged. That might not have been the case when Lloyd was growing up but it is certainly the case today. Children will have a much happier childhood if they are permitted to be the people that they are. Unfortunately that is not always the case if parents are conservative Christians. That's how we end up with kids who are ashamed of “same sex attraction.”
I can relate. I went to a very up-tight boarding school. I was surrounded by beautiful creatures. I had raging urges but any hint that I was gay would have resulted in my immediate expulsion. By senior year my best friend/roommate and I had good grades which afforded us a choice room in a 19th century building. I think he knew that I had a crush on him but it remained unexplored. I could have and should have had a happier childhood. I was born a decade or two too soon. Enough of “me.”
Somehow we survived and graduated. Though I had experienced a genuine conversion to Christ that undoubtedly saved my life in the midst of my suicidal, gender-bending days, the festering wounds remained. In college I abandoned my faith to embrace a lesbian identity and life. My brother’s life lacked direction, and his penchant for numbing his pain through alcohol increased to full addiction.There is a lot going on there. She is suggesting that with faith she is not a lesbian and without faith she is. In point of fact, sexual orientation has nothing to do with one's religion. Nor is it related to the intensity of one's faith in a deity. For a period of time, seemingly in adolescence, religion forced her to pretend to be what she was not. She sees that as a benefit. I do not. She is also comparing her struggles with her sexuality to her brother's alcoholism. She might have felt so as a young adult but now, on reflection, she should know better. Apparently she does not.
In our quests to quell our aches, we both walked away from our Creator and His revealed will. This demonstrated that our problem went much deeper than our hurts. We were not only wounded. In C.S. Lewis' words, we were “rebels who needed to lay down our arms.”The obvious: Sexual orientation shouldn't hurt. She didn't know it then but she should know it now. I get the sense that Lloyd likes to suffer — just like her brother.
Eventually, by God’s grace, we were both roused to repentance by the “megaphone of pain.” For my part, to shorten a story told in other places, I traded my lesbian-centered identity for one centered in being a beloved child of God, and I sought to obey Him once more. For my brother’s part, he was finally diagnosed as having a degenerative disease of his muscles, more damage from the womb revealed. This diagnosis brought my brother back into the arms of the Good Shepherd who was searching for him.Sorry. No sale. This woman is still a lesbian pretending not to be a lesbian. If she wants to marry a man that's her business but please spare me the bullshit that one can essentially cure an unwanted sexual orientation with faith. Homosexuality does not need to be cured and even if it did, obedience to a deity is an unlikely solution. Was her brother not receiving medical attention through adolescence?
I had a different journey of dealing with depression, seeking sexual sobriety unto chastity, and recovering from much dysfunction. My twenty-seventh birthday came during a season of facing some deep wounds. I didn’t feel like celebrating and decided to go away. …There she goes again with “sexual sobriety.” Being gay is not like being an alcoholic. It's not a bad habit. These are suggestions that make kids' lives miserable today. We infect parents with this nonsense and kids pay a heavy price.
She goes to a rustic cabin to pray:
As soon as I began to speak, the wind began to blow. A storm of some kind was coming, but the sky was cloudless, and I was undeterred. As I continued, the wind picked up and lightning began to strike. Each time I raised my voice, the wind whipped harder, until I was practically shouting. I watched in wonder at the repeated and increasing flashes that were streaking across the darkening sky. I finally fell silent, bested by the wind and in awe of the magnificence and beauty of the most amazing and continuous electrical storm I have ever seen. Lights danced in the firmament, and the only time I used my voice again that night was to praise their Maker.Now she is claiming that she can control the wind with the volume of her voice. She seemingly created an electrical storm. Of course it is common knowledge that we can do this (along with Operating Thetans). And you wonder why I might question her story of an abusive uncle?
This glorious display was followed by two days of silence. I received no answers to my questions. I reread Job and was reminded that I was the one who would give account for my life to God, not He to me. In my final time of prayer before departing on the third day, under the cross once more, I laid down my life’s list and declared that I would choose to trust Him though I could not understand His ways.
Currently, however, there is less and less acceptance of things we cannot—or should not—change. With the increased power of technology, there are more and more “scripts” that we simply refuse. Don’t like the biological sex and body you were born with? Get hormones and surgery. Change it. Dealing with the wrenching pain of not being able to have your own biological children? Don’t worry about commodifying other humans and even your own hoped-for progeny. Change it. Are you pregnant but with too many babies or a baby with too many chromosomes? Abort and try again. Change it. Have a disabling condition that you can’t remedy? You don’t have to accept this script. Change it. Prepare your “final exit” with “dignity.” And the list goes on . . .This is all rather judgmental. Not surprisingly she misstates what transgender means. These are all decisions that people have to make for themselves. Lloyd's approval is not part of the equation.
Worn out I am just going to skip to the end of this mess (past all of the serenity prayer stuff, seriously):
This is not just my story or my brother’s story. It’s all of our stories. All of us are wounded from the womb. Sin has separated us from our Father. Life is our journey to find our true identity as beloved children of God and to let the Good Shepherd of our souls lead us home to Him. The Author behind both your story and mine is the King of Love. Give Him your “litany of locusts,” trust Him in your pain, and hear His promise anew: “Love would not allow what Love could not restore.”And in conclusion I say that being gay is not a wound from the womb.
Jean C. Lloyd, PhD, is a teacher and a happily married mother of two young children.It would not surprise me if this is a pseudonym.